you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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