You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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