you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
