The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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