Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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