The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
