she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
