somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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