You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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