he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Shame - the story of my life.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
