A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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