he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
