I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
