I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
