Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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