when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
