I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
