He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
