I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
