Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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