I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
