I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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