Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
