mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
