can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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