Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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