nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
