woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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