i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
