she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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