he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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