Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
