So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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