I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
