my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
