Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
