Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
