There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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