were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
