my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
