Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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