dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
