While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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