Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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