I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
