I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
