i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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