Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
