Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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