If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
