I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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