fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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