Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
