Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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