eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
