A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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