I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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