I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
