Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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