i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
